Monday, 7 July 2008


Better than the first. And the second one.

SHIFT. The epic Portal replacement of flash games has a new title in the epic series.
Shift 3 is basically the same as the first two, except now it has WAY more stuff and replayability. You can return to levels you already beat to find more secrets and awesome shiz.

Unfortunately, it still contains the shitty PORTAL references...oh, and it's big. And long. Not for quick play through people.

Monday, 12 May 2008

Deep Lift

Water water everywhere!

Deep Lift is a quirky little platformer/launch game by SnailsAnimation and BubbleBox. It closely resembles the infamous "NS-Tower". This time though, you're underwater and foolishly dropped your, er wrench.
This game is fun and starts off nice and easy for noobs like Michael Berry, which is why I loved it. Unfortunately, this game was pretty slow and boring.

In other words, if you're an impatient noob, don't play this game. 95%

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

Tom Fulp's Castle Crashers

Beards, Flying Heads, and Toast!

A little beat-em-up game featuring Tom Fulp of Newgrounds! Fun and quite simple, this game had nice graphics and very funny animations. Too bad it had little else.

Pros: Fun, simple, addictive, hilarious
Cons: Not much stuff, short

Overall: This game is for a quick laugh...that rocks hard. 91%

Thursday, 1 May 2008

Sneak Peak!

Oh my god...

Hey yall. Remember how I mentioned that a new flash game will be arriving soon? Well guess what-I've decided to tell you about it.
It's called Evasion, and the goal of the game is to use your arrow keys to get to the BIG dot. Sounds easy? Wrong-each time you hit the BIG dot, tiny blue dots appear and begin bouncing straight. Hit one, and you lose points.
You think it's gay? Don't worry, I really don't give a shit about what you nerds/geeks/emos/loserswhodon'thavefriendsthereforerantaboutflashgames think.

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

Monthly Highlights

Well folks, it's that time of year again! The end of April brings out lots of stuff. (Because I forgot to do March, we'll start from March)
And now...

Boxhead: The Zombie Wars- Definitely the best game out of March
Shift 2- Not my favorite, but stood out from the rest of April's crowd
You Have To Burn The Rope-Quirky, funny, and something that will make you laugh your balls off. Listen to the end song!
Please have fun with these kickass games, and see you in May!

Wednesday, 16 April 2008

The Game of Disorientation

Circles, Squares, and Triangles oh my!

Be warned: If you have bad memory, do not play this game! Because if you do, you'll lose track of your direction, real booby traps, and so much more. If you have a good memory though, you'll find a fun, challenging game that will keep your stomach in a very happy mood...

Pros: Fun, challenging, easy
Cons: Dizzying, vomit-inducing
Overall: Got a barf bag? You'll need it noobs, but pros just need their skill. 75%

Super Energy Apocalypse

Zombies galore!

This quirky little RTS pits you in a hostile environment: defend your base from zombies galore! Create a little town and buy interesting things, from defense systems to garbage trucks. A bit of Sim City mixed with Boxhead: The Zombie Wars sounds good right? Too bad; the game was not as addictive or hands on as Boxhead: ZWars.

Pros: Sim City with zombie hordes, interesting gameplay, traceable history to Boxhead: The Zombie Wars
Cons: Too boring, not hands on
Overall: If you think Boxhead: The Zombie Wars is to difficult or violent, this game should be tried out. 65%


Geometry Wars Jr.

While reviewing Boomstick, I noticed that I had forgotten to talk about ZunderFury, the almost perfect imitation of GWars.
Boomstick is for people who want fun and simple games that can be played within minutes. That's good, but like I said Boomstick doesn't have much long lasting influence.
Likewise, ZunderFury is more serious. Powerups are bought and are long lasting (besides bombs), and the gameplay is exactly the same as GWars. Unfortunately, ZunderFury is all about dedication to the game: leveling up your ship and getting different powerups.

Pros: Perfect GWars clone
Cons: Lacks addictivity the longer you play it
Overall: ZunderFury is great for GWars diehards, but for fast-paced quick play it utterly fails. 92%


Honey, I shot the kids

Ah, the good old days. Before Thing Thing was created. And before GeometryWars went bust. Still miss it? Then Boomstick is the best alternative.
Although ZunderFury is more like GWars, Boomstick is faster, funner, and more addictive than ZFury. In Boomstick, you only die when you run out of ammo, so fast-paced, run-and-get-shit-before-it-disappears action occurs. Ammo dispersion sucks balls, but besides that, Boomstick will blow you away.

Pros: Fun, fast-paced, like classic shoot 'em up flash games
Cons: Gay ammo dispersion, too repetitive, gets boring really quickly

Overall: Boomstick is a game for GWars lovers who don't have that much time on their hands. 92%

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Shift 2

Shift Happens

Remember good old Shift? The game with the references? Guess what-the sequel just came out. And it's hardcore.
This time, Shit 2 stops the references and instead makes up taunts of its own. More fun comes in droves, and new items, squares, and puzzles will make your head explode! Another sweet thing: Shift 2 has medals, trophies, and a hot babe of a map maker!
Unfortunately, your head may explode due to frustration, but that's okay I guess: Shift is a puzzler.

Pros: Bigger and better than Shift, got rid of the Portal jokes, mapmaker
Cons: Frustratingly annoying
Overall: Shift 2 is way better than the original, and it's also ditched the dur dur dur jokes. 94%

Thursday, 10 April 2008

Special: Upcoming Project

I won't tell you any details on this, but be warned...farts are smelly.

Special: Sneak Peek at scorpios' new game

The day scorpios' awesome flash game comes out (the demo at least).

Guess what. The other day, I got to test try his "awesome" game...and I'm sorry to say that it's more boring than Asteroids.

Wednesday, 9 April 2008

You Have To Burn The Rope

Burn baby burn!

This funny and quirky little platformer was short but funny. Yeah...that's about it. 90%

Tuesday, 8 April 2008

Asteroids by scorpios

Thing Thing 2 is the best game in the world compared to this

Huh. At Kongregate, some of you have wondered what I meant when I said, "almost as lame as Asteroids by scorpios". Guess what, I've decided to tell you about the pros and cons.

Pros: Uh...there's a point?
Cons: Bad everything, stolen

Overall: Scorpios, start working on Flash a little bit harder. 1% (ouch...)

No offense by the way. XD

The Lame Platformer

LAME...but sort of fun...

The Unfair Platformer. Fancy Pants Adventures. Monolith's Mario World.
And now...
The Lame Platformer (exclusively at Kongregate). Equipped with lame physics, lame ball control, and lame animation, this game is definitely NOT the few games mentioned above. But, this game is surprisingly addictive, and definitely better than Thing Thing 2 (the ironies of life lol?)

Pros: Addictive, you don't need a super fast computer to enjoy this
Cons: Lame everything

Overall: The Average game. Yeah...I made this, but I'm rating it as it is. 45%

Portal: The Flash Game

Piece of cake my ass...

Remember Shift? The game that had stupid references? Well, guess what-this game IS the reference.
Controls were very annoying and the graphics sucked hardcore arse, but besides that, it's like the game. Very entertaining...if you don't mind graphics and controls.

Pros: Like the game
Cons: Gay controls and animation

Overall: Shift is much more fun than this. 85%

The Visitor

O' Kurt Russell, where art thou?

The Visitor is an awesome point/click adventure about a parasite that lands on earth...with gory results. Grosser than Dark Cut, The Visitor had some violent and EWWW parts, but besides that, it was a short puzzle that entertained me- for a long time. Puzzle Pros will enjoy the animation and try to find all secret endings, while Puzzle Noobs will have a good time checking out the awesome animation.

Pros: Puzzle Lovers and Puzzle Haters can love this game, nice animation, puzzling but not omfgwtfiswrongwiththisgame
Cons: Very, very bloody.

Overall: A must try...but there will be blood. 98%

Thursday, 3 April 2008

Thing Thing 4

Twice the number, twice the shit

Remember the legendary 'Thing Thing' series? I don't care if it's a legend-Thing Thing just plain sucks.
The newest installment pits you as the guy from the other games trying to escape from the little shithole he's stuck in. There's no more recoil problems, which made this game pretty breezy...besides the fact that this game is Lagatopia Central. No matter how uber your comp is, this crap lags. So here's a question for you: would you rather play Crysis, the hottest game on the market, or Thing Thing 4, the laggiest crap ever created?

Pros: Better graphics, no more gay recoil
Cons: LAGGY LAND, not worth playing at all
Overall: Unless you're a Thing Thing die-hard or some dick without a life, don't play this crappy game at all. 25%

Wednesday, 2 April 2008

WhiteboardWar: ChopRaider

Just like 'Nam and Saigon eh?

In this fun little game, you're a little whiteboard chopper running around shooting at turrets and bombing war factories. Simple, fun, and fast. Like a search-and-destroy team.

Pros: simple, fun, fast
Cons: cheesical graphics, not much lasting appeal

Overall: WhiteboardWar: ChopRaider is a fun game, but don't expect to become addicted to it. 90%

Warlords: Call to Arms

Warcraft or Warcrap?

Warlords: Call to Arms is an exciting strategy game from Ben Olding. Choose from 9 different races and 25 campaigns to battle it out for conquest!
This game had fairly awkward controls, but once you get the hang of them, you should be able to own a couple easy challenges! Upgrades and buying units were very common throughout Warlords, which made me feel up to date with the battles getting harder and harder. The graphics are lame, but this definitely is not crap.

Pros: Fun, lets you adapt to harder battles
Cons: Crap graphics, awkward controls

Overall: No Warcraft, but very far ahead of Warcrap. 90%

Tuesday, 1 April 2008


Is this platformer worth risking your sanity for?

Please play Mindscape: the most insane platformer ever created. Collect stupid stuff and find secret items before you go insane. First off: The character seemed stupid, and would walk towards enemies while in midair. And the game doesn't tell you if you can change angles on which platforms.
Pros: Fun, creative, cool music
Cons: INSANELY ANNOYING, stupid character, time consuming, laggy

Overall: Mindscape gets a 75%. This game is very unique, but is so fucked up, you'll be wishing you could blow your brains out instead.

April Fools Day!

Have you gotten Rick Rolled yet?
Anyway, I have sad news. Yesterday at 5:00 a.m. Fancy Pants 2 was taken off all flash game websites. I searched in vain for Fancy Pants 2, but found nothing!
Okay, that was a bad April Fools prank so, uh April Fools!

Monday, 31 March 2008

Mezzo: Winter Edition

Step aside Club Penguin: there's a new bird in town

This is a very good but slow puzzler that kept me hunched down, trying to beat all the puzzles. The concept is simple enough, but very good levels and difficult challenges kept blocking me on my way to beating the free version (you have to buy the full version)

Pros: Fun and interactive, puzzling, you need a brain for this
Cons: you need a brain for this, only 30 levels (100 more can be bought wtf?)

Overall, if you have a brain and enjoy puzzle games, this is a MUST try for you! 85%

Thing Thing 2

Another reason why you shouldn't play with guns kids!

Oh boy! Thing Thing 2, one of the older installments in the legendary Thing Thing collection! Violent games may be leading in popularity, but Thing Thing 2 drags down their lead by a lot.
One good thing about this was that it's an easy badge to get on

This game actually could have had great potential, if it weren't for the fact the guy who made this decided to put recoil in the game. I know, recoil is good and realistic, but once you play Thing Thing 2, you realize that the recoil in that game screwed it over. I had to aim at the top left of the screen in order to shoot left center, and that wasn't fun. There was no variety in any of the different levels, which also dragged Thing Thing 2 closer to scorpios' game Asteroids, which is pretty bad.

It's a game in the Thing Thing series, and it's an easy badge to get on kongregate
Cons: Stupid recoil, no level variety, easy to beat
Besides the fact this game is an easy badge on kongregate, I'd rather lick milk off a piece of shit than play this game again. 5%


Poker fans beware!

Recently, I was invited to beta test Kongai on the website of
I have to admit, first impressions were good. What began bugging me early on was how the game was sort of laggy although it didn't have much animation. If you have a really good computer, you shouldn't run into this problem, but Kongai should be able to appeal to all kinds of computers. Secondly, the gameplay had a lot of Magic: The Gathering references (which isn't that big of a deal, besides the fact that Kongai isn't that 'original' in that sense). Thirdly, you needed to be a certain level on your Kongregate account. No offense, but are you trying to drive off potential customers? I suggest lowering that cap from around level 17 to like level 10 at least.

What I did like were the many options in the game: to regain mana, switch out and intercept cards that were switching out, and other cool things like multiple attacks and starter cards. What I did not like about the gameplay was the fact that you needed mana to attack and you couldn't regenerate lost health, but that's about it. Another awesome thing was the fairness: Players who unlocked more cards can only choose 5 of them, making it fair for noobs to test out their skill.

Pros: Many gameplay options, challenging, starter cards, fairness of matches, online multiplayer matches
Cons: Lags on average computer, lack of health regeneration, under level 20's not allowed (I got lucky I guess?), need mana for all attacks

Overview: Kongai out performs many card games, but fails to get past Magic: The Gathering and poker games. However, it is a very interesting experience that will leave its players with very different thoughts and opinions. 80%; dropped down a bit because of the level 20 rule.

Sunday, 30 March 2008

Dark Cut

Let it bleed!

This flash game was interesting and rather fun. It was painstakingly hard to do some of the things that the Doctor told you to do though, and it was rather gory and bloody.

Pros: Fun and interesting, good time-waster
Cons: Some things were hard, extremely gross

Overall: If you have a weak stomach and don't have much time and patience, steer clear of this game!

Saturday, 29 March 2008


Hello #21483095, I am a "PORTAL" wannabee

Shift isn't that bad actually. It had lots of creativity, and very nice ways to interact with your surroundings. What ticked me off was the numerous PORTAL references, and how SHIFT tries to make itself look cool by doing this. In the end, you'll think you're playing a fun but gay looking game.

Pros: Fun and interesting, no rush at all, when u die, restarts u on tat level
Cons: So many stupid PORTAL references...playing this makes you look like a dorky n00b

Overall: Shift is a great platformer that was hindered by its many stupid references- 88%

Boxhead: The Zombie Wars

Live free or die hard...or kick some zombie ass

Sean Cooper is a better animator than Brad Bourne, creator of FancyPants. Sean's latest game in the Boxhead series is perfect as well. Not only are the graphics revamped (requiring latest flash player bugged me), but new weapons, new zombies, and the addition of the awesome AI turrets made me feel as if I was doing a little Tarpit Defense on Starcraft.

Pros: Lots of new stuff, new 'defense mode' similar to Tarpit Defense, graphically revamped
Cons: You need latest flash player, no two player anymore, only 4 maps in classic and defense mode.

Overall: Boxhead: The Zombie Wars is a game that is worth updating your flash player for. 98% out of 100

Back from Japan

Hey yall, spent Spring Break in Japan. (no wifi)
So I'm going to be reviewing two games today.

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

Stormwinds, and The Ladykillers

Okay, The Ladykillers is a great movie I saw today. (Google it, and click on the older film). A daring heist goes wrong, and an old lady forces a band of 5 crooks to return the money. Obviously, the crooks object, and pull straws to kill the woman. Unfortunately, talk is cheap...

Stormwinds. The legendary tower defense game thingy. That...SUCKS. First of all-No auto fire? Secondly-Gay glitches, and the game gets too hard too early. 3/5

Balloon Invasion. If you thought Stormwinds was bad, you don't want to play this. The Air-Strike idea was creative. Too bad gameplay sucked hard ass. 1/5

Tuesday, 18 March 2008


Defend your stupid little garden from tar bugs that infect the water! There are 3 different bugs, and three different mouse boxing techniques to choose from. Flowers will sprout and whoop the bugs' asses.
This was a funny game. Whoever thought of bugs vs flowers is a creative genius. The gameplay was also very inventive; depending on the direction you hold the mouse down and drag, different colored flowers would fly out to defend the garden! There were no major issues, besides the sad fact that this game could have been longer, and that the final boss could have been a little harder.
Overall rating: 4.5/5

Monday, 17 March 2008

Stick Arena

Here's a good multiplayer map. Good connection, okay graphics, addicting and fun. The rankings are pretty awesome too, depending on kills instead of wins. It's always fun to own n00bs who dare come near you.
Unfortunately, some fed-up noobs decide to download hacks that make their guys invincible, teleport around, and attack at such a fast rate that he'd kick your ass with his fists (while you have a sledge hammer). Another annoying thing I noticed was that the server almost NEVER logged my kills. I frustratingly played dozens of games to make it to rank 3, when I should have gone up 5 games ago.
Overall, this game is only good if you don't mind the gay servers, and if you join a game that doesn't have a hacking n00b.

Cutting the Crap

Okay, I'm a fricking teenager. Not some geeky n00b who plays games all day. First off, screw the introduction. That's a waste of, uh, everyone's time. Next, I don't care who made the fucking game: I'm putting my own honest opinions on some not so good flash games!!